It’s a question most of us never stop to ask.
We plan for births, marriages and retirements. We make wills. But rarely do we sit down and ask ourselves: what would dying well actually look like for me?
The term “good death” gets used a lot in health and end-of-life circles. But it can feel loaded – even presumptuous. Because the truth is, there is no single definition. And there shouldn’t be.
The question matters more than the answer
What dying well means is different for each person, shaped by their attitudes, cultural background, spiritual beliefs and medical circumstances.
That’s not a gap in our understanding. That’s the point.
A good death isn’t a checklist. It isn’t a particular setting, a specific level of pain management, or even dying at home (though for many people, that matters enormously). It’s something far more personal and far more worth exploring.
What the research tells us
Researchers have spent decades trying to understand what people actually want at the end of life. Some common themes emerge.
Dignity and autonomy appear consistently. A large international review found that autonomy – understood as the desire for control over the dying process and self-determination – is deeply intertwined with a person’s sense of dignity. In other words, feeling like you still have a say matters enormously.
So does place. Seventy per cent of Australians say they would prefer to die at home or in a home-like setting. Yet today, about half of us die in hospital. That gap between what people want and what actually happens is significant – and closing it starts with people knowing what they want and having the support to pursue it.
Planning also plays a role. The Violet Initiative estimates that more than half of the 100,000 predictable deaths in Australia each year have regretful outcomes, often because of uncertainty, lack of planning, rushed decisions and poor communication. Currently, only 15% of Australians have an Advance Care Plan.
These aren’t just statistics. They represent real people whose deaths didn’t go the way they, or their families, hoped.
It’s deeply personal
For some people, a good death means being surrounded by family. For others, it means quiet and privacy. Some want every medical intervention available. Others want to let nature take its course. Some find comfort in faith and ritual. Others find it in music, in memory, in laughter.
Research shows that autonomy at the end of life isn’t only about making decisions around treatment and care. It also includes a person’s engagement in daily activities, contributing to others and actively preparing for dying in a way that feels right to them.
There’s also a cultural dimension. What a good death looks like within a First Nations community, a migrant family or an LGBTQ+ household may be very different from what mainstream health services assume or provide. Assumptions – even well-meaning ones – can get in the way.
“A good death isn’t a checklist. It isn’t a particular setting or a specific level of pain management. It’s something far more personal – and far more worth exploring.”
Who gets to decide?
You do.
But that’s only possible if you’ve had the chance to think it through, and if someone is willing to sit with you in that conversation without rushing, without an agenda and without filling the silence with clinical information you didn’t ask for.
That’s a significant part of what End-of-Life Doulas do.
We don’t arrive with a definition of what your death should look like. We arrive with questions, time and a genuine willingness to listen. We help people explore what matters most to them – whether that’s completing unfinished business, preserving their story, choosing where they spend their final days or simply not dying alone.
The goal isn’t a “good death” as defined by a system or a standard. The goal is your death, shaped by your values, your relationships, and your wishes.
Starting the conversation
If you’ve never thought about what dying well would mean for you, that’s completely normal. Most of us haven’t. But it’s one of the most worthwhile questions you can sit with. Not because death is coming soon, but because thinking it through now means the people around you will know what matters when the time comes.
Open conversations and planning ahead can help family members and friends with their grief – because knowing your wishes were honoured makes an enormous difference.
You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to start asking the question.
If you’d like support exploring what end-of-life care could look like for you or someone you love, I’d welcome a conversation. You can book a free call at yourpathguide.com.au.
About the Author
Shannon Beresford is the Director of Your Path Guide Pty Ltd, an Adelaide-based practice dedicated to helping people live and die with comfort, meaning and connection. His work brings together End-of-Life Doula care, sound therapy and compassionate travel experiences that honour each person’s story and choices.
As Chair of HELD Australia Ltd, the national peak body for holistic end-of-life and death-care practitioners, Shannon advocates for stronger recognition of the End-of-Life Doula role across Australia’s health and aged care systems. He also holds a Certificate IV in End-of-Life Doula Services, the only nationally accredited qualification in this field, and volunteers with the Central Adelaide Palliative Care Service (CAPCS), providing practical and emotional support to individuals and families in their final weeks of life.
References
- Cancer Council NSW. (2023). What does “dying well” mean? https://www.cancercouncil.com.au
- Eagar, K., Hillman, K., Williams, L., & Reader, M. (2021). A question worth asking: what matters most at end of life? InSight+ / MJA. https://insightplus.mja.com.au
- Martínez, M. et al. (2016). Patient perspectives of dignity, autonomy and control at the end of life: Systematic review and meta-ethnography. PLOS ONE. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0151435
- Porta-Sales, J. et al. (2019). Patients’ autonomy at the end of life: A critical review. Journal of Pain and Symptom Management. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpainsymman.2018.11.014
Your Path Guide Pty Ltd 